I had about as much knowledge of what to prepare for in aging as I had to prepare for becoming a parent. While the realizations aren’t as dramatic in the former, they are revealed in hindsight in much the same way. When I was pregnant, I was deluged with “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” type books. Strangely, not a single one was offered at this later passage in my life. Almost as if not knowing what was coming would be better?
“Their ignorance gave them one more glad hour.” Lewis Carroll
- The day I turned my two-sided mirror to the magnifying side, only to discover I was already on the magnifying side.
- The irony of diminishing eyesight developing at the exact same time random facial hair appears.
- The eye drops for glaucoma treatment make eyelashes grow, unfortunately they smash into my eye glasses and it’s not a great look.
- My hip, waist, and bust measurements are one and the same.
- That guy at the gas station isn’t holding the door because I’m hot, it’s because he thinks I could use the help.
- Ma’am. Who? Me?
- Cosmetic names are no longer things like “Youth Dew” and “Barely There” but “Wrinkles and Plumping” and “Correcting Balm” and “Daily Rescue” and “Night Repair.”
- Thank goodness swim skirts are in.
- Committing to squatting down to pull that weed takes some time to decide about.
- While I’m standing at the mirror, my husband walks in and says, ”Oh honey, I still love you.”
- I have an urge to punch the woman who just said having a child late in life will keep me young.
- Who knew hormones would rule forever. It’s just a matter of which ones are in control.
- If we can pull it off, it will most definitely be in the dark.
- My nine-year old says, “Mom, really? You don’t remember that?” And I hear that roughly twice a day.
- My son the Physician’s Assistant calls and asks me how I am. After half an hour, he asks if he can call later.
- I’m kind of proud of myself when I can figure out my fourth grader’s homework.
- If the shoes aren’t comfortable when I try them on, I don’t buy them.
- I don’t wear dresses and skirts anymore because the shoes I buy…..well, see the previous point.
- Turtle necks are out.
- I consciously try to hold my chin up at a 45 degree angle for the same reason as the preceding point.
- A percent of spandex in the fiber content on clothing labels is a must.
- Proximity of a bathroom is the first thing I evaluate when out in public.
The good news? I don’t have to burn my journals anymore.
(photo credit google images)
This post is hilarious and ever so true. But you cannot be that old and have a nine year old. I love this one: “My hip, waist, and bust measurements are one and the same.”
Hi Dor. Let’s just say me a Sarah have something in common. (Abraham’s Sarah.) Glad you found a laugh.
What a great checklist to tell if you’re getting old! Never saw anybody create one before. I think most of us are wired to belleve all that hogwash that we “haven’t changed a bit since high school.” An entire industry has built up around making us believe this nonsense. It’s sort of refreshing to wake up one day and see that we really aren’t that silky smooth little waif that we’ve brainwashed ourselves into believing we are, despite the fact that AARP has been wooing us for the past few years, determined to make us ask for those discounts that seem so attractive! Congratulations and wecome to the world!
Thanks for visiting! Ah, I don’t rail against the changes so much. Finding some humour helps. AARP and the wooing! I’ve recycled more paper from them than from anyone! Wonder what happens if you do join? Need a separate mailbox? Great post on college by the way.
Sometimes the info from AARP is useful, and I always at least shuffle through it before it reaches the circular file. I acknowledge that I used to be quite aware when I walked into a room that every female in the place was eyeballing me. Now that the wrinkles have taken their toll and my step is somewhat halting, I have deluded myself into the notion that people look upon me like the dude in the Dos Equis commercials who says, “Stay thirsty, my friend.” It satisfies my need for a mysterious self-image! Thanks for making my day!
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant post. Aand boy can I relate. This morning I rode the subway (unusual for me) and a young woman offered me her seat. I couldn’t quite decide whether to pat her on the head appreciatively or smack her for thinking I needed the seat. I thought about this for the entire time I sat in her seat.
Shucks Elyse, thanks. Means a lot coming from you! I wish you had patted her on the head. Would’ve been interesting to see how she reacted!
Boy did she make me feel old, fat, and decrepit. All of which I am, mind you, but I don’t like it when the youngin’s notice.
I really worry when I get a calendar from the funeral home folks. Talk about mixed messages. Loved yours, by the way.
Great post! There were way too many items on this list that I can relate to.
This was great. I needed this.
Well this made me laugh because as a 40 something, I am starting to notice all sorts of stuff changing on me, things I look for granted, like my eyesight, my thick hair and my pain free feet… The first few steps of the morning, my husband and I hobble out of bed and joke, “This is what the future holds…”
Tina: This is one of your best! I literally laughed out loud. From having to know where the bathrooms are, to eyeballing the weed in the garde and wondering whether it is worth it to bend down (knowing how hard it will be to get back up), to the chin hairs, to name a few (can you believe my chin hairs are white against an ebony skin? Why does God hate me?
Excellent! I am going to keep your list because it is as if you titled it: “Dear Eleanor, with love!” Take care. ET
Well, it is kind of a surprise, these aging challenges. So glad you enjoyed. Carry on!
“Cosmetic names are no longer things like “Youth Dew” and “Barely There” but “Wrinkles and Plumping” and “Correcting Balm” and “Daily Rescue” and “Night Repair.”” Funny stuff.
Ironic how the funnier moments come out of actual life. Thanks for the comment!