I had about as much knowledge of what to prepare for in aging as I had to prepare for becoming a parent. While the realizations aren’t as dramatic in the former, they are revealed in hindsight in much the same way. When I was pregnant, I was deluged with “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” type books. Strangely, not a single one was offered at this later passage in my life. Almost as if not knowing what was coming would be better?
“Their ignorance gave them one more glad hour.” Lewis Carroll
- The day I turned my two-sided mirror to the magnifying side, only to discover I was already on the magnifying side.
- The irony of diminishing eyesight developing at the exact same time random facial hair appears.
- The eye drops for glaucoma treatment make eyelashes grow, unfortunately they smash into my eye glasses and it’s not a great look.
- My hip, waist, and bust measurements are one and the same.
- That guy at the gas station isn’t holding the door because I’m hot, it’s because he thinks I could use the help.
- Ma’am. Who? Me?
- Cosmetic names are no longer things like “Youth Dew” and “Barely There” but “Wrinkles and Plumping” and “Correcting Balm” and “Daily Rescue” and “Night Repair.”
- Thank goodness swim skirts are in.
- Committing to squatting down to pull that weed takes some time to decide about.
- While I’m standing at the mirror, my husband walks in and says, ”Oh honey, I still love you.”
- I have an urge to punch the woman who just said having a child late in life will keep me young.
- Who knew hormones would rule forever. It’s just a matter of which ones are in control.
- If we can pull it off, it will most definitely be in the dark.
- My nine-year old says, “Mom, really? You don’t remember that?” And I hear that roughly twice a day.
- My son the Physician’s Assistant calls and asks me how I am. After half an hour, he asks if he can call later.
- I’m kind of proud of myself when I can figure out my fourth grader’s homework.
- If the shoes aren’t comfortable when I try them on, I don’t buy them.
- I don’t wear dresses and skirts anymore because the shoes I buy…..well, see the previous point.
- Turtle necks are out.
- I consciously try to hold my chin up at a 45 degree angle for the same reason as the preceding point.
- A percent of spandex in the fiber content on clothing labels is a must.
- Proximity of a bathroom is the first thing I evaluate when out in public.
The good news? I don’t have to burn my journals anymore.
(photo credit google images)